Hungry Games: A Parody
by glimmergirlhg1
Summary: This is a Hunger Games parody originally a script. I am rewriting it as a story for fanfiction. Hope you enjoy! :) Please favorite, follow, and review!
1. Chapter 1

"Welcome! Welcome!," Effie Trinket says excitedly, "The time has come to select one young man and woman to die a terrible, horrible, bloody death in this year's annul Hunger Games!"

Her voice echoes out into the crowd. I swear, I hear a few of the kids in the crowd around me cry. I guess that's what happens when you tell people the truth. No use sugar-coating everything.

"Okay, ladies first!" Effie giggles. She waddles over to one of the giant bowls and carefully examines it. She walks around it twice to get a good look at the whole thing, studying every card in the bowl throw the glass like a kid at a candy store. Then she smiles, raises one figure in the air like she has discovered something, and pulls a name out. She walks up to the microphone and opens the card, "Primrose Evergreen."

"Everdeen!" I yell. Gosh, I hate when people mess up my last name. It's Everdeen, not Evergreen, not Neverseen, not Foreverdeen. It's EVERDEEN people, get it right.

My next thought is poor Prim. Now she has to go die. What a shame. But on the bright side, I can have all of her stuff.

Everyone around Prim and I have stepped away. Oh I hope Prim didn't fart, how embarrassing. I bet everyone will think it was me because Prim is "oh so perfect".

I try to get my mind off of that right now, "Wow Prim, that sucks. I mean, you're going to die." Good, now Prim can't point her figure at me for her secret farting problem.

"Katniss, you have to volunteer." Prim says, tears in her eyes. She puts her hands together as if praying and gives me those puppy eyes.

"Look, Prim, if I don't volunteer, I look like a jerk. You have to run up there before I get the chance. If you can just do that, I'll do the dishes for a month." I promise her, putting out my pinkie figure for a pinkie promise. But she just stares at me angrily. I hate being the oldest, "FINE!" I groan throwing my hands up and walking towards the stage, "I volunteer."

Effie seems so excited she can hardly speak. I guess Capital people love volunteers, "Oh my! Oh my! I thought there would never be a volunteer in this awful district. I thought you were all a bunch of cry babies, but now! Oh gosh, you have brought back my joy of forcing kids to go to the Capital and kill each other. You have made my life!" she raves, "Oh, silly me, what's your name?" she asks, holding out the microphone.

"Katniss EverDEEN." I say, stressing the deen so they know. Hopefully they won't forget.

"Let's hear it for Katniss Evergreen!" Effie says. She holds up my hand, expecting everyone to cheer. But only Prim claps excitedly.

"I'm gonna take your room!" she yells.

I roll my eyes. Oh Prim, trying to stay strong. I know right now she is trying to cover up the fact she is extremely thankful for me saving her life and secretly wants to cry.

"Okay, now for the boys!" Effie exclaims. She repeats the same process with this bowl as she did for the girls' bowl. She opens it at the microphone and announces, "Peeta Mellark!"

Oh so she can read Peeta Mellark but not Katniss Everdeen. Life is so unfair. Who cursed me to have a name no one can read or forgets. Why can't I have a name like Madge Underwear? Wait... I'm pretty sure it's Understone. You know what, forget it, no one likes her anyway.

Peeta stands in the crowd frozen. He looks like a deer I once kill, yum... he was tasty. But I wouldn't eat Peeta. Well, I might, but I'll wait for the games for that.

Peeta is there for five minutes until two peacekeepers go over to take him up to the stage. As soon as the touch him, he begins screaming for all he is worth. He twist his body around and tries to free his arms.

"No! Please someone volunteer! I have so much bread to bake!" He cries, desperately looking at the crowd. One of his brothers steps forward and opens his mouth, as if to say something, but then steps back. This just makes Peeta scream more. What a baby.

He gets up on stage sobbing. Effie is smiling like it's Christmas morning. And my face is stone cold. What a group we make.

"District Twelve, your offering to the gods!" Effie says in this creepy deep voice. It kind of sounds like a movie I saw about a girl who's body had been taken over by an evil spirit. Peeta and I look at her in a way of horror. Effie shakes her head and looks around like she has no idea what is going on. Then she smiles and laughs, "Just kidding! Your tributes!"

Effie makes up shake hands. It's really awkward because Peeta is sweating bullets and if you have ever shaked hands with someone one with sweaty hands, it's not fun. AT ALL.

I try to pull away, but Peeta won't let go of my hand. I keep desperately trying to get him to release his grip, but he won't. I end up kicking him really hard in the shin, but because I have terrible coordination, I miss and kick him in the stomach.

He begins crying hysterically and hugs Effie. She smiles awkwardly and pats him on the back to calm him down. But I think it's mostly to get him to let go of her.


	2. Chapter 2

Effie pushes us towards the doors of the Justice building behind us. The doors slowly open, revealing the beautiful marble. I guess I don't mind going in their to say good-bye to all my loved ones before I die. We're just about to walk in when Haymitch jumps up on stage. He is so drunk he can hardly stand. He stumbles towards the microphone and starts jabbering about his new single, "I'm Haymitch And I Know It".

He even begins singing it. He holds his bottle up in the air and holds the microphone with his other hand. He supports himself by leaning on the microphone stand. His voice rips throw the crowd, making them cover their ears.

"I got a bear in my hand and I ain't afraid to drink it-drink it-drink it! I'm Haymitch and I know it!" he sings. His voice squeaks and crakes. Back in his day, he was one of the best singers in Paneam. But after years of alcohol, his voice went from Justin Beiber to an extremely drunk Ke$ha. He is constantly trying to redeem himself while drunk.

"Get off the stage you drunk!" someone in the crowd yells. Everyone chatters in agreement. Then a bunch of kids begin throwing tomatoes and anything else they can get from the fruit stand. These people have no respect for the only person from this terrible district to actually win the Hunger Games.

A peacekeeper goes to collect the delusional Haymitch. He throws Haymitch over his shoulder and carries him like a bag. Haymitch vomits down his back, making the peacekeeper shiver, and then he passes out. He still manages to hold on to his precious beer bottle. Man, that guy really, really loves beer. But how can you blame him? He went from the Top Ten Paneam Hits to "So you used to be famous" section of the book store.

"Ugh." Effie groans, pushing Peeta and I into the Justice Building. She than looks at a colorful chart labeled with everything that happened today and some things that we are going to do.

As we walk throw, Effie's 50ft tall hair is so full of hairspray, it's rock hard. It cuts into the celling like a knife throw butter. Chips of the marble celling fall in small chunks, hitting Peeta on the head.

"Why isn't it hitting you?" Peeta asks, looking at me. He covers his head with his hands as chips fall on to him.

"I'm the main character in this story. Things just work out for me." I say shrugging. Peeta looks annoyed. He begins mumbling and complain about how whoever the author of this story is, is very unfair and he should be the main character because he is the one who makes bread. It's not my fault I was created to be a strong female character. If he was the main character, everyone would think it was sexious.

"Our whole lives are 58.00076332 seconds behind! We have to cut 27.433246 out of each of your visitors' time." Effie says, typing numbers into a calculator and rewriting everything on her chart.

She pushes us into separate rooms to say good-bye. I sit on a couch and wait for my first visitor. I look around the room and look at the ornate carvings in the marble. Wait a shame Effie ruined it all with her hair. Oh Capital people. Well, maybe they will hire Prim and a bunch of other kids to fix it for cheap child labor. That's going to make it even harder for Prim to do my choirs.

The doors open, reveling Prim. She is loudly chewing on bubble gum and texting some one on her cellphone.

"Mom said I have to say thank you for volunteering and all. Um...so thanks." Prim says.

"Okay. Just tape Duck Dynasty on the DVR for me while I'm gone." I say. Prim nods her head, not even looking up, just texting away on her phone and blowing bubbles.

"KK." she says. A peacekeeper comes in and leads her out of the room.

I'm alone for only a minute before Gale walks in. He looks distressed and like he has something important to say. I get up and hug him. I know it will be hard for him to admit he's gay and finally come out of the closet.

"Gale, can you make sure my family is fed?" I ask before he can say it. I really don't want to see him cry and make this all about him. Right now, it's all about me. So I have to keep him from raising the rainbow flag.

"Yeah, like, sure Katnip," he says in his high pitch woman voice, "But I have to tell you something..."

"Oh yeah," I cut him off, "And can you tell the teacher I won't be in school this week?" Gale nods his head.

"Yeah, like, sure. But I, like, have something, like, really important to, like, tell you." he says. I put my figure on his lips to keep him from talking.

"Gale, I know your gay." I say, saving him from the embarrassment. I guess he is so embarrassed I knew this whole time because his face turns bright red.

"How could I, like, be gay? I, like, l-" a peacekeeper comes in just before Gale can finish his sentence. I feel bad for Gale. He can't even admit to his best friend he is lady fabulous. I guess it just takes time. Time I don't have because I am going to be fighting to the death and will most likely not come back out alive. The peacekeeper drags Gale out of the room as Gale tries to finish defending himself.

"Katniss, I, like, l-" Gale gets out before the door is closed. I wonder what he was going to say. But oh well, there are more important things to worry about that Gale's confession.

But I'm not thinking about that. Right now I'm thinking about how hungry I am. And the games haven't even started yet!

The door opens and Peeta's dad is there. He wears an apron that, like his face, is covered with flour.

"Mellark pastries are Paneam's best!" he yells before throwing a small bag of cookies at me. I catch them and before I can thank him for being the second Mellark to throw me food when I was hungry. Maybe they have a sixth sense that tells them when I'm hungry so they come and feed me. Good, that will come in handy.

As I take a bit out of one of Mr. Mellark's cookies, Effie burst into the room.

"We're still late!" Effie exclaims, whisking me away. I almost drop the cookies.

I stumble constantly as we run throw the halls. Even in heals, Effie is the fastest woman I have ever met. I struggle to keep up as she pulls me. Eventually, I stop running and just let her drag me. As I am pulled, I see Madge walking down the hall. She wears a white dress and her hair is in a braid, what a copy cat. I see her staring at something in her hand. When she hears the clicking of Effie's shoes, she looks up.

"Oh Katniss! Catch!" she says, throwing the object in her hands. I shove the rest of the cookies into my mouth to free my hand and catch the object. It is a pin with a bird on it. I recognize the bird from when I used to hunt in the woods with my father before he was blown up in that horrible balloon experiment. Oh, why did they have to see if they could make a person fly with helium?!

"It's a mockingjay! For luck!" Madge says. I would say thank you, but my mouth is too full of cookies.

We finally make it out of the building were Effie forces us onto the train like cattle. She even throws Haymitch into the train because he's walking to slow.

"We're almost two minutes late!" she screams in a deep voice like she had during the reaping. Guess this is going to be the rest of my life...


	3. Chapter 3

The train is filled with food! When Effie leads us into the buffet cart, I can't help but leap up on to a table and begin gorging on the food. All the food you could possibly imagine. Just no game. But screw game! I want to have that jello over there. In a few seconds, I've already consumed haft of the first table. I pay no attention to Effie, who is hitting me on the head with a newspaper and screaming, "MANNERS!"

I finally finish all I can take, which is almost the whole cart. Peeta looks at the bread table that is only full of crumbs. He gives an angry look before picking up the crumbs and throwing them out the window and yelling that they aren't Paneam's best.

"What was that all about?" I ask. I've never seen Peeta so mad. And if he has been mad, why over bread?

"That's our competitor's bread. You know the one across the street of the Mellark Bakery? It's the Nellark Bakery, my uncle's. We've been fighting for years over who is Paneam's best," Peeta explains, slowly starting to calm down. His face starting to turn back to it's normal color, "It all began when-"

"NO STORIES! You little brats have already disturbed my whole life cart. Everything I do from now until the day I die will be off by a whole 30 seconds! So just shut up!" Effie growls. She turns around, punching a wall. Her hand goes right throw it. Wind begins rushing in, making me shiver, "I'm getting that damn drunk!" Effie says before storming out.

Wow, trains really get to people.

Effie brings in the drunken Haymitch. His shirt is still covered with vomit. Gross! He wabbles over to a chair and plops himself down. He gags once, making everyone jump back, and then he passes out again. Effie is infuriated.

"You are putting my life behind schedule!" Effie screams. She begins beating his unconscious body with her newspaper. It's only when she hits the hand hold his bear when Haymitch jumps up awake. Effie holds her hands up.

"Woah! I'm only going to say this once: Don't. Mess. With. My. Beer." He says, looking around at all of us, "Got it?" We all nod. Effie keeps her hands up. Haymitch then goes back to his too-drunk-to-care state and sinks back into his chair.

"I'm done! Haymitch, tell them how to die!" Effie says walking out. She slams the door behind her.

"Sassy." Haymitch says, pouring himself some wine. His hand is shaky and he even spills some of it on the table. His eyes widen as if he has done something disgraceful and he begins to lap it up like a dog.

"Um...Do you want a napkin?" Peeta offers. He watches Haymitch like he can't believe what is going on.

"No! You can't waste liquor." Haymitch explains. He continues lapping up the wine. He licks the table until there is no trace of the alcohol. Then he sits back and begins chugging down the whole bottle instead of drinking the glass he just poured.

"So," Peeta sighs, "How about that advice?" Peeta looks as him, leaning forward to listen to anything Haymitch has to say. Haymitch puts his bottle down for just a second. Peeta looks at him with big, blue, pleading eyes. Haymitch jesters for him to move in closer. Peeta does this and Haymitch burps in his face.

Haymitch begins laughing hysterically, "And you thought I was gonna stay something helpful!" He almost falls on the ground. Even I can't help from smirking. Peeta is so gullible. And it is a classic prank.

Peeta looks like he is about to cry though. Tears threaten to spill out of his eyes. Or maybe it's from Haymitch's terrible breath. Seriously, has he ever heard about toothpaste? If not, we have to get him some ASSAP.

"Not cool." Peeta says. He gets up and leaves. Then he opens the door again, peaking his head out, "Uh, were is my room?"

"Down two carts, last one on the left. It has a huge blood stain on the floor in front of it from the last guy who killed himself." Haymitch says. Peeta nods and say a thank you. He leaves and then I'm alone with Haymitch. It's really awkward so I end up leaving.

My room has the last guys body in it and the whole room is filthy. I end up throwing the body out the window. I call an advox to clean it up. She looks discussed by the room. She shakes her head and begins cleaning. I decide to pass the time by telling her my life story. She is such a good listener. She doesn't even bud in like Gale does whenever I talk to him. Maybe this is why people have advoxs to clean up after them, so they can talk with out being interrupted.

When she is done, she leaves with out even saying goodbye. Kind of rude, but she was so nice during my story so I can't be mad. Effie comes in just as the advox is leaving.

"My apologies for my outrageous behavior," Effie says. I nod. Effie goes on, "Okay, well, time for dinner."

I follow Effie down the hall to the dinning cart for dinner. Surprisingly, I'm still hungry.

The chefs bring out huge plates of food. We each get our own little chicken, soup, vegetables, and mash potatoes. Everything is amazing. Maybe this is all worth dying in the end. Your treated like royalty, and then die. It's sad, but hey, when you don't know when your next meal is gonna be, this seems like heaven. And because of that, I'm having a hard time using this fork. It seems like it's keeping me from getting more food.

"Manners! You district 12 people should at least try to use them." Effie says, groaning. I shoot her a look. It's not our fault we're starving. No one wants to use our coal. We're not like district 4 were going out and getting your own food is okay. In 12, you can be put to death for it. So, in protest, I toss the fork aside and eat with my hands.

You should have seen the look on her face.


	4. Chapter 4

I walk up on my train bed. It feels so nice. There isn't as many lumps and bumps and shards of glass sticking out of the sheets. I think it is the first time I have woken up without a bunch of new cuts. All I can think about is Prim waking up on her bed. She'd be so jealous right now.

I roll out of bed, ready to start the day. I drag my feet into the dining cart where I'm sure everyone else will be. Sure enough, there they are. Effie is fixing her chart from all of the disruptions. There is even a huge blue spot that says "DISRUPTIONS" on it. Haymitch and Peeta are sitting at the table talking about the games.

"Well do you have any advice?" Peeta asks like he is fed up.

Haymitch shakes his head. Then his eyes winden and he lifts one figure up in the air like Effie did at the games, "Yeah. When the games start..." Peeta leans in excitedly. I guess he's been trying to get something out of Haymitch all morning, "Go to the cornucopia, sit down in front of the weapons and wait for someone to kill you."

Peeta looks at him with disbelief, "I want to live! I have bread to bake, cakes to ice, food to throw at starving girls!"

"Wait, I'm not the only one you've done that to?" I ask, stunned. Peeta looks up at me and nods with a smile.

"I do it to lots of girls." He explains. Then he turns back to Haymitch, "And how is you 'advice' going to help me?" Peeta moves his figures up and down around "advice.

"Well your going to die anyway. Might as well get it over with." Haymitch says. He pours some beer into his coffee. He begins to slowly sip on it, making a disgusting sound.

I sit down at the head of the table and begin eating.

"Katniss Everdeen? More like Bottomless Everdeen." Haymitch says quietly, trying to crake a joke. Even Peeta laughs. I look up at him a he stops instantly. He clears his through and coughs to cover it up. It's not my fault I never get to eat. And I think it's a good thing to put on a few pound before the games. Everyone in twelve is underweight.

Haymitch reaches over for the jelly. I kind of took is joke offensively. I take my knife and hit it just in front of his hand as a warning. He looks at me with shock.

"That is mahogany!" Effie gasps. jumping up from her seat.

"Oh, you killed a place mat. Are you going to eat it? Or should I have it wrapped up?" Haymitch jokes. He pulls it out and hands me back the knife, "You're gonna need this." He whispers.

I look at him confused, "But your not allowed to bring weapons into the arena with you."

"No," Haymitch shakes his head, "It's for the fans. You're a volunteer. They'll be all over you. You have to defend yourself." I nod my head. Oh, Haymitch, so smart. Even when he's drunk. Imagine how he would be if he sobered up.

"Look. I'll sober up a little bit to help train you guys." He says. Did he just read my mind? Peeta and I both nod our heads. I guess he does have a little bit of faith in us. That, or it's just an excuse to sober up because he fear alcohol poisoning. Either way, I'll benefit.

"Woah! What's that?" Peeta says. He gets up and goes to the window, pressing his hands against the glass. I get up and follow to look. But Peeta's head is so big, I mean it's a watermelon, so I can't see through the port hole like window. I have to nudge him a little bit so I can see. When I do, he almost faints. And then he gives me these weird goo-goo eyes.

"That's the Capital." Effie says. I think this is the first time on this trip she smiles, "Finally I can get away from you people." She says under her breath.

"What?" Peeta asks, turning his head. Effie shrugs it off, insisting she said nothing.

I am in aw by the Capital. Huge, golden buildings. Colorful people with crazy fashion sense. Like bird cages on their heads or purple dogs. As soon as they see us they begin running along the side of the train, waving at us. Peeta waves back making them go crazy.

"Bread Boy knows what he's doing." Haymitch says, taking a sip of his coffee.

I wave a little to, getting them even more excited. The games are a really big deal here. In the districts, it's a time of fear and loss and younger siblings bribing the older ones to volunteer for them if they are picked.

The train comes to a slow stop.

"Here, you will meet your stylist." Effie says. The doors of the train slowly slide open.

We step out onto a red carpet and begin to stride to the building. Effie leads the way, smiling and waving at everyone. Haymitch lags along behind Peeta and me, probably wishing he was anywhere but here. Some crazed fans jump over the fence that protects us. They are all over me and Peeta. Asking random questions. Luckily I have my knife from Haymitch and I can take them down. The crowd loves it and even start throwing people over the fence for me to stab.

"We love you Katniss Everdeen!" They scream. FINALLY! Someone got my name right.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry I haven't updated on this story lately, but here you go!**

* * *

"Are you part sasquatch?!" one of my stylist asks. She has aqua marine hair and a lighter tone of the color on her skin. She just pulled off a piece of was, bringing along huge clumps of hair.

"Yeah. Seriously, just because you're poor, doesn't mean you can't shave." another one says. She has bright orange hair. Seriously, these Capital people and their "fashion".

And for their information, I can't afford a razor. They cost like, $5 at the cheapest. I need that money to buy aglets for my shoe laces. Aglets are way more important than a stupid razor. You can do all kinds of things with aglets like...like...well I don't think you can do anything with a razor. All you can do with a razor is shave stuff...WAIT I could use it as a weapon to kill game. UGH! Why didn't I think of that before. It would have been so much easier to gut a deer. Well, now it's to late.

"Well, maybe Cinna can do something for her." the boy stylist says, stepping forward. Where did he just come from?

"Cinna is a stylist, not a miracle worker." the green stylist says.

The other two just shrug and nod.

"Wash her. I have to go throw up." the green one says. She gags, putting a hand over her mouth, and rushes out of the room.

The stylist with the orange hair grabs a hose. It's a fire hose. She turns it on and starts washing me, gown and all. The water is go strong, she flies around the room desperately holding onto it. The water sprays all over the room.

"My make-up!" One of them cries. I can't tell because the pressure from the water is so strong.

"SSSSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!" Some one cries. The person runs over the switch and turns off the water. "What is wrong with you people? It's like working with toddlers!"

"Hey! Venia is a toddler, she just had a lot of work done." One of them says.

"It's not my fault I developed a great taste for fashion at a young age." The one named Venia says, putting her hands on her hips.

"Ugh! Just give me the subject." The guy says. He grabs my wrist and takes me away. He leads me down some hallways and into a room. He sits me down in a chair and then backs up to look at me. He is dressed in black jeans with a chain and a black t-shirt. He doesn't have any make-up like other Capital people, besides gold eye liner. "Name."

"Uh..Katniss Everdeen." I say.

"Great, ugly and stupid." He says, "Why can't I ever get those district one girls? At least they can tell me their names without saying 'uh'. And they're thin and pretaty. Sure they're block heads, but-"

"If you hate me so much, why not just get it over with?" I ask him, tired of all the talk of district one. I'm jealous enough as it is.

"Don't be such a diva. It's bad enough I have to sit in this pit of despair, I don't need you complaining, that's my job. But Honey, I like your guts. I'll help you, but while your in the arena, you have to advertise my new clothing line."

"Deal." I say, putting out my hand. We shake, sealing the deal.

"I'm Cinna. Not Cinnabun, Cinna. If you call me anything but my name, you might not see the arena." He says assertively. I nod my head. I can see his pain. After years of being called things like "Everseen" or "Evergreen" or "Foreverdeen", you get annoyed.

"Okay, let's see what we can do for that face..." Cinna says. He pulls out a pair of hedge trimmers and gets to work.

He must be a perfectionist, because he's at it for hours. I can't tell what he's doing to me, but he keeps screaming whenever he moves to another aspect of my face.

"Okay, we're done." Cinna says finally. He takes a few steps away from me, wiping the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. He's breathing heavily, but looks pleased with is work. He hold up a round object. There is a girl inside! How could he trap her in there? The girl has a lot of make up. Dark eye shadow, red lipstick, make up making her cheek bones dramatic. The poor thing! I scream and grab it from his hands.

"I'll save you!" I cry. But the girl in the mirror is mouthing my words. How rude! "I won't if you're going to do that-hey stop!" She continues to mock me. If I wanted to be mocked, I'd show people my report card. I'm about to die, I should be treated with respect.

"What's wrong with you?" Cinna says, hitting the back of my head, "It's a mirror."

"MY-ROAR?" I ask. I have never hear of such a thing. "What does it do?"

"UGH, it reflects things. See, this is you," he holds it in front of my face. The girl stares at me. I move my head, at the same time, so does she. I raise my hand, at the same time, so does she. I decide to test the girl's mocking ability and start dancing the cupid shuffle as fast as I can and randomly stop when I think she gets the most into it.

"Wow, she's good."

"She's you! You know what? Whatever, we have to go upstairs anyway," his voice mellows, "Come on."


End file.
